Learning to be happy in my own skin

Hey! Long Time No See....

2011-06-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

So it's been awhile since I've written here. I'm not really sure why. Life has been....Well life has been up and down. So it's been life I suppose. God's been teaching a lot of things lately. He's been teaching me patience, which I am horrible at learning. I've been learning that my plans are not always His plans, though His always turn out better. I've been learning that He desires me to content with where I am, even if I'm not happy with that place. That's right. Contentment is a choice; happiness is an emotional state of being. Please notice these are all what I've been learning. Not what I have learned, but what I've been (and continue to) learn.

I'm still working on being happy in my own skin. For me, it's a more difficult thing than I thought. I gained some weight from emotional eating this past year after my dad died. But considering it could have been a trigger for me, as someone pointed out, I'm almost ok with it. I'd almost rather have to lose weight than be sick skinny again. Notice I said almost. It's always been a struggle for me.

This is another thing God has been teaching me. Depending on Him for everything INCLUDING how I feel about my body and how I eat.

Ga so much to learn. It's a good thing God is continuously patient with me.

Four Day Weekends are the Way to go!

2010-09-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

So Monday is Labor Day. Naturally classes are cancelled (I've still never understood this...I feel like it is opposite to it's name..like we should be working HARDER on labor day. But it's a day off, so I will not complain!)

And a great professor of mine cancelled the only class I had today.

Which means four day weekend for me!

I'm pretty excited about it. I'm going back home to see my mom and sister. My little sis has her first football game of her senior year tonight. (She's in colorguard) So I'm going to go support her. I can't believe that she's so old already. Makes ME feel old!

So before I head off to go see me lovely family, I'm going to go run (I'm thinking 8 miles today) It's quite lovely outside, so I might even get to do it outside. That would be great!

Anybody else doing anything fun this weekend?

Half-way through!

2010-09-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

This week has been SO long. Ok, really I've just had two really long days in a row.

Monday- class from 9-5. Then a meeting at 5 about rotations this summer. Then another meeting from 7-9 for one of my classes. Then I got to FINALLY go back to my room. Plus this day I had a really difficult class that takes alot of mental capacity from 2-5. Which made the day THAT much longer...

Tuesday- Started at 6:30-Workout, Class from 9-12:05, Lunch meeting from 12:15-1:30. Then went back to my hall to set up for a party we had for our residents yesterday (which was super fun. We made shower shoes. They are a NECESSITY in a dorm!) Then was at the party from 2-6. Worked at the desk from 6-8. Went to church from 8-9:30. Went and finished my workout at 9:45-10:15. went and got food, since I hadn't had time to eat dinner yet. Then went down to work from 12-2AM. Yes it's a shift that sucks. But I only have to do it once a week, so it's not horrible. usually.

So after 5 wonderful hours of sleep, I got up to begin yet another day. more class. another meeting. And I'm currently working at the desk. I'm about to go on a Sonic Date with one of my friends (gotta love happy hour!) and then I have class from 3-5. And then I'll be hitting up the wellness center again.

Oh and I should probably study at some point. It probably wouldn't be so good if I failed all my classes this semester ;)

Did I mention I'm a little tired?

In spite of all of the things going on in my life right now though, I feel very content and joyful. I know the only possible way this can happen is that God is just fueling His joy into my life right now. And I'm SO thankful for it because
1) it's so much more pleasant to be happy and do all these things than to be in a crappy mood and have to do them!
2) I don't have the energy to be happy. Just don't have it. So I'm thankful that He's fueling me!

When is the last time that you felt joyful/content?

Have a lovely day!

When is your best time to workout?

2010-08-31T14:00:00.000-07:00

So when I initially lost a lot of my weight (my senior year in high school- I lost between 60-80 lbs) I got up every morning and went to the gym for at least 30 mins before school started. And then I usually went back to do some more in the afternoons. These two a days were great cause I could push myself for a short period of time and then do it again later. And as much as I complained about being tired, I loved getting up and working out in the mornings.

When I got to college, it became and OBSESSIVE thing. Even when I had 8'oclock classes and hadn't gotten to bed before one, I would MAKE myself go workout at 6 AM. Even though my body obviously did not want to. In those days, I was not very nice to my body (sorry body... I'm working on it!)

But now a days I've gotten "lazy" in my book. But Monday and Today, I've gotten up and done some cardio before class. And I really love it. I love starting my day with energy! And then I go back and finish up later in the afternoon. I'm so glad we have a great wellness center like 5 minutes from me on campus!

But some days I don't have time to do it in the mornings.. like tonight I have to work as an RA at the front desk from 12AM-2AM. And then have class at 9AM. getting up at 6:30 to workout for an hour is probably noottt going to happen.. But I have time to do in the evening. So I'll still get it done, but I won't get to do it real early. So I must pose the question...

When do you work out? Why do you workout then? How do you work your schedule around it?

Let's Start at the Very Beginning...

2010-08-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, so.... I have been absent from here for quite sometime.
I'm not even sure anyone still read this.
That's ok with me, cause I'm not doing it for others, I'm doing it for me.
But I do still hope you're reading!

So, when I first started to write here, it was mainly focused on my eating and exercising (which I still do. usually) If you're just joining me, I had an eating disorder my freshman year of college. To keep a SUPER long story short(ish) I was bulimic my first semester which turned into anorexia and extreme amount of time in the gym my 2nd semester. I've looked at pictures from then and I really did look sick. I'm sorry, but bones sticking out of my elbows...it's just NOT attractive. I'm sad to think that it once was. The mind of that girl was very lost indeed.

Thankfully, I have a lot of people who love me, mainly my parents and an RA, that helped to me get counseling and get things back together. I made a deal with my mom to gain weight before I went back to school. Unfortunately, I didn't really ever STOP gaining weight :( So now I'm trying to get that under control and get back to a size that I feel healthy at. Not skinny. Healthy.

That was where I started at. But now I have decided to share more of my life on this blog as well. I've been through some life changing things in the past year, and I have a lot of idea/thought/emotions streaming through my head. And I'd love to share them with you all if you'd like to listen!

I know that blogs can really turn into a community of support and ya'll are great listeners, so I hope I can come into the community as I muddle through this life I'm living...

All the while, I'm trying to learn how to be happy in my own beautiful skin :)

ps- there's an AWESOME giveaway at http://www.goalsfortheweek.com. Check her out!

FOOTBALL!

2010-08-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

So my college's first football game is TONIGHT! let's hear it for school spirit! I go to a small school ( like 5000 students on campus) so it won't be super crazy, but I think it will be fun! I'm excited!

So there is a lot that has happened in my life since I wrote like MONTHS ago... I got a job as an RA at school and I absolutely love it! I love being able to focus on other people and other's problems. It's not that I don't deal with mine, I just don't like to dwell on my problems! And this is a great outlet because I can't this way! I have too much going on with everyone else! I really feel like it's helping me to better channel my body image issues, because I just don't focus on it. I focus my energy on building others up. And surprisingly, I'm much happier. And still the same (maybe even a little bigger..gasp!) weight. Funny how that works..happiness is NOT actually the number on my scale but dependent on others. Great lesson I've learned!

OK off work and off to the game! Go Dawgs!

Why?

2010-08-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder why we do what we do? I mean really, I have two choices right now. I can get up outta my chair and go for a nice run, or i can stay right here an curl up and not do A THING. and you know what? the latter sounds really nice right now. I think it's just that I WISH I could be one of those people that could look good without having to workout all the time... although let's face it, I do work out all the time and I STILL DON'T LOOK LIKE THEM. Life is unfair. But that's another post.....

Ok fine, I'm going to go do something healthy for my body and go for a run. Hopefully I'll run this negative attitude right off, and I'll be productive when I get back... but don't hold you're breath or anything...

Howdy!

2010-08-18T20:03:00.000-07:00

Hey there anyone and everyone who is still reading! I'm so so sorry that I have a been super sporadic with my posting. A lot of things (positive and negative) have been going on in my life lately! I will be letting you know about them is the near future, so I hope that you will tune back in!

to start off- Positive- I got a wonderful job being an RA in my hall, which I'm SUPER WAY excited about.

Negative- We have a meeting right now for the girls, so I have to get off here and go do that!

More soon!

-Meghan

Wowza...where have I been?!

2010-07-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! If you've been wondering where I've been.. well I've been all around and busy! and I guess you could say a little lax with my posting. This summer has been super busy and filled to the brim!

First I house sat for a few weeks. Great cause I was NOT ready to move back in with my parents. I had to anyways. Fights ensued. It's just hard to move back in with them when I'm used to living without them! But hey you can't beat free rent for the summer, so I'll deal.

I did a rotation for school at a "nearby" hospital. I say nearby because that's what my school said. In all actuality, it took 45-60 mins to get there each morning and the same time to get back. But it was a wonderful experience. I'm pretty sure that I want to do hospital pharmacy now. Like 95% sure.

Then we took a family vacation to Orlando. We went to Universal and Epcot. And of course we hit HARRY POTTER WORLD. Shut up, I know I'm a huge nerd, but it was SO much fun! Unfortunately, my mom and I had some fights about my body while we were there, which threw a few sour notes into the trip. It was mainly my fault, but I just needed someone to help me deal with it. And sometimes, God bless her, my mother just does not know how to deal with my emotions! (Granted they are pretty fierce... I'm not sure how anyone can deal with them!)

My body stuff was just me feeling super uncomfortable in my body. I'm about 10-15 pound over what I feel "comfortable" with. I've been trying this summer to get the scale down, but it just won't budge! I've finally realized that it's a "god" that I had. If all I'm doing is focusing on that, how can I be atune to those needs and people around me? So I've just given it to God. And I really have felt better about it. Not 100% of the time of course. and not always great about it. But I'm beautiful and strong for who I am and who God made me to be. So when I can't see that beauty on the outside, I have to remember that and cling to it.

After Orlando, I headed off to a mission trip with my church from college. It was a great week and super stretching. It's so funny, I went with no expectations at all cause I had no IDEA what God would teach me. And He totally just opened me up and brought out all these things that I would have never guessed I would've learned on a mission trip. Like how I need to be dependent on Him for all things, that I've been looking at and making exceptions for the complete wrong kinds of guys. That He has a plan, and even though I hate waiting, His plan will be worth waiting for. I learned that even though the journey is long, He puts us through that long hard journey because of all the lessons we learn on it. Yes it's hard and sucks sometimes, but He's concerned with how we grow closer to Him through those times.

As you can see, I've had a full summer! But it has been good! Stretching, and not AT ALL what I thought it would be like, but good none the less!

Sorry I'm BACK!

2010-05-01T13:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been gone for SOOO long. With school, work and everything else, it's been BUSY!

So here's what's been up.

-School. It is almost over for the semester, thank you LORD! I've already taken 2 finals and have 2 to go (both of which are on Tuesday...awesome....) It's been such a long semester.

-My dad had been in and out of the hospital, which had been stressful to say the least. He's been out for awhile, but still recovering. *sigh*

-Ran my first marathon. it's official, I'm addicted! it was easily the best thing I've did the month of April. It was so awesome, I really can't even describe it! My time was 2:20, which some people tell me is a good time. I'm just happy I finished! I can't wait til me next one!

- I'm still struggling with my weight and body image stuff. My weight has not gone down ANY since I started running/training. It's so FRUSTRATING! ga. I'm thinking I'm going to wait to change stuff til after finals are over. Then take inventory and see what I need to do/change.

I hope you all are doing well! I've been reading, and it seems like you have been! Happy May!

1st Half :)

2010-04-26T22:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I ran my first half marathon

13.1 Miles

in 2:20

ecstatic, that's what I was. It was amazing.

Bed now, more later

Oh goodness

2010-04-13T11:31:00.001-07:00

Hey guys I'm sorry I haven't been writing here! Life has been busy! Had two tests last week. Ugh. Only 3 more weeks til school is done! I can't wait!

I've still been running. Still haven't lost any weight. Ugh. I got some new clothes and I'm now like a 11/12 in Maurices. Depresses me because at my lowest weight, I wore a 5/6. I know I know,I'm turning into a women blah blah blah. The frustrating part is,I mean I eat healthy,like less than 1,500 calories a day. And I workout 1.5-2 hours a day. It just so frusturating!!

It's also hard because I mean I used to weigh less. Like 40 lbs less. Unfortuneately I was very unhealthy. Like didn't eat more than 500-600 calories. And worked out for an hour or more a day.

Just frustrating. I know it's a lot A LOT of skin from losing 100+ lbs. And I mean I can't lose skin. My body just has to take care of my extra skin. I'm thinking aboout getting it taken care of once I graduate from pharmacy school.

What do you think about taking care of a problem area(ie lipo,skin tightening etc) if you workout,eat right,etc, you just don't like some part of your body?

Give blood!

2010-04-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

Hello all you lovely people. I hope you are having a great great day!

Did you know that each time you give blood you can save 4 lives? I saved four lives today. That's exciting! Also the country is in a blood "recession" if you will. Blood banks are at an all time low. So if you can, go to your nearest blood bank and give! it doesn't take but a half an hour or less!

Last week was, well it was rough. I knew it was going to be from the start, but that didn't make it any easier. I had 3 difficult test throughout the week, which mean little sleep( no bed before 1 any night last week) which makes for a cranky me!

On top of three tests, ( along with meetings, class, etc) I was really dealing with my break up a lot last week. It's been a little over a month now. It still is really painful. especially when I think about my future. We had a plan together. We were going to grow up and have kids together. Live in cool house. have a cereal cabinet( cause we both LOVE it). We had names for our kids. Just letting go of all that stuff is really hard. Realizing I don't get to do that with him is hard. and painful at times.
And he talked to me three weeks ago about getting back together. But honestly, I haven't had enough time to heal. and things he said to me three weeks ago made me feel really unvalued at the end of the relationship. And I don't deserve that. I'm enough. I'm good enough. I'm flippin awesome. and if he didn't realize that for the last 1/3 of our relationship, why would that change now? And why would I WANT to get back into that relationship.
Honestly, I feel like God led us together at the beginning. I know He did. And I felt like He told us that it was time to break up when we did. But I'm not getting the feeling that we are supposed to get back together. At least not right now. We both need to heal and grow on our own.

I still worked out last week. 6 days, yay me. I'm still having trouble losing weight. I think it might be from all the running. I'm not really sure what to do, but right now I'm just trying to focus on being healthy, and not beating myself up for not being a size 6(or having a perfectly flat stomach or whatever. Insert practically unattainable goal here.) I really don't eat a lot of crap, do cardio for at least and hour a day (usually more) and lift weights at least 2x a week. I really am not sure what else I can do. Like really. Ga body you are frustrating!!!!!

Well I'm off to do some errands to, workout and study some biopharmaceutics before my 8'oclock meeting. Hope you all have a wonderful day!

1st 5K!

2010-03-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long folks! It's been a busy busy week!

Talked to my ex last week. He wants to get back together. Do NOT know what to do. I love him, but I know that it's not what God wants right now. I Will continue to pray about it.

Also, I ran my first 5K this Saturday. I ran it in 28:41! wahoo! I was 6th in my age division! I was pumped. I think I'm hooked on running!

Also, I'm thinking about applying for the RA job in my dorm. I'm just not sure if I can next semester. With pharmacy school, I'm just not sure if I could do it all. Please be praying about this too!

I'm off to go to bed. Early, FULL day tomorrow. I'll be better about posting soon! Promise!

Good Morning!

2010-03-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Good morning my blog readers (if you're still there!!) Sorry I"ve been MIA. I was on Spring Break last week. This consisted of work, seeing old friends, work, being with my family, work, and shopping. It was quite lovely to not have to study AT ALL. My brain needed that rest!

Also, funny story, on the last day of Spring Break and the first day of spring (Saturday, the 21st) it SNOWED like 6 inches. It was ridiculous. It didn't stick cause it's been so warm. It did however, get me out of work on Saturday, so I got to spend it with my mom and sister, catching up on stuff and watching movies. It was quite lovely. I like to think it was a little present/reminder from God that I need to relax sometimes!

After I got back from Spring Break, on Sunday night, the ex wanted to talk. We're still friendly, so I said sure, of course we can. We ended up talking for like almost 3 hours. The talk mainly consisted of him telling me he realized alot of the stuff that ended our relationship was his fault. (fairly true. and I'm not just saying that). He also said that even if he got to live in a big city or something like that (I don't want to. I like smaller cities. And want to be close to my family.) it wouldn't be worth it if I wasn't with him. He said he's learning and growing. And that things wouldn't be the same. Now I know this all SOUNDS oh so cliche, but I truly do believe him. He's not a guy who plays with people feelings. Bless his heart, I don't think he could be a player if HE WANTED TO.
So if you could just keep me and him/ our relationship in your prayers, that would be great. And if you have any advice, that would be lovely as well!

Well I'm off to class. Hope you all have a lovely, beautiful, sunny Tuesday!

Happy Wedesday!

2010-03-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

Hey lovely people! I hope that you are having a wonderful day! I'm happy. Had a good devo this morning, and the sun in shining brightly. And I don't have to go to work today. And I get to go shopping today. mmm so good.

Also thanks for the comment! I think you guys are both right, I know I need to eat more. As silly as it sounds, this is hard for me. See the way I lost all my weight in the first place (my highest weight was 276 in high school) was half by working out and eating better. But then I plateaued and family life was really hard, so I became bulimic. And then anorexic. and both. Although I went to counseling and got better about 2 years ago, it's still something the surfaces sometimes.

I mean right now, I don't NEED to lose weight. I run 3 days a week, I do weights and the elliptical the other two. I don't remember the last time I ate a cheeseburger or fries or regular ice cream (which btw, is way hard to do in college) I know that the weight that I've gained is muscle. Running so much, it's pretty much impossible for it to be anything else. and my body has changed. like I finally have a butt. Which I'm not so sure i like as it makes my pants tighter. but it's not flabby or anything. So that's nice...

Anyway, I'm going to try very hard to eat more. I just have to remind myself to eat more whole, healthy foods, not crappy ones. Just because I run 6 miles, I don't get to eat lots of chocolate!

Hope you all have a lovely lovely Wednesday!

Spring Break!

2010-03-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

Yay! It's spring break! FINALLY! I totally need it! Unfortunately I'll be working 5 of those days. :(
But hey we have to have make money right? Sadly school, gas and things must be paid for. Said, but true

Also, I'm sick of my heart and my head. I'm still so broken up about the break up. Not like every day depressed, just sad occasionally. I miss having him here. I miss him. The things he used to say to me. The things that made me feel better. The support. The kinds words. It's just hard. I guess that's just life. Ga, growing up is difficult.

my head tells me it was right. my heart thinks it was right, but is taking some more convincing. Gosh.

But God is good. He is faithful, and He has a great plan for me. He has the perfect man for me. He knows who it is. in HIS time, we will find each other. I just have to remember it's not my plan that's perfect. It's HIS.

So currently, I'm resting on that truth. God is good, and He has the perfect plan for me. Everything is for a reason, whether or not I can see it right at this moment or not.

On a bit different note, eating has been on the low side. I'm taking I've been burning at LEAST 800 calories a day and only eating ~1200. Yes, I know this is not enough, but it's so frustrating. I keep eating not a lot of calories, work out like a fool, and NOTHING is helping me to lose weight. eff. eff. eff.

Oh and I ran my 10 miles Friday. It was a decent run. Hopefully, I'll be ready for the half marathon...I can't believe it's only like a month away! AH!!!!!

Well, I hope that you all have had a wonderful weekend! My consisted of chilling with friends, work and work. How about you?

Could it be....SPRING?!

2010-03-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

Hello fellow bloggers! Hope you are having a grand Tuesday!

So I woke up this morning and.....IT WAS SUNNY!
Please oh please stay spring. Don't tease me this time!

It's the week before spring break, but I swear my brain is pretty much there already. Oh well...Just have to make it through my test Thursday! Then Friday, after my long run (10 miles this week!) I'm going over to my friend Sarah's house. She's making margaritas. I'm pretty much a lightweight, so I'll have to be careful about my intake.Not to mention, alcohol tends to be bad for weight loss. Well in large quantities.

Things are pretty much the same here. School. Work. Friends. I'm still working through a lot pain over the now ex boyfriend. It's just so hard because I really did think he was the man I was probably going to marry. So it's hard having all those dreams come crashing in around me. No home together. No kids together. No going through life together. Ok I have to stop now, because the water works are coming, and I really don't want to deal with them right now. Maybe later tonight when I have time.

Well lovelies, I hope you have a splendid Tuesday! Leave me some love!

I'm back!

2010-03-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

Hey lovelies!!

Sorry I've been away. Been dealing with the break-up. It sucks. A LOT. So here's what's been going down

Friday- My boyfriend and I have a big talk. We both have been feeling something has just been "off" we love each other so much, but something's just off. For me he's almost everything on my "list" But it's just not quite all there. Do you know what I'm talking about? I would say it's like 80-90% there (depending on the day) but that's not fair for either of us. Neither of us should settle. There were some things that just weren't going to change, and we realized that it wouldn't work in the long run (probably).blah it hurts. and sucks. and really hurts.
went to bed crying...

Saturday- Woke up crying. Was going to finish up my workout from the day before by running a mile...which turned into 4. Went home...I needed my mommy. Talked to my mommy. Had some best friend time. Cried a little more

Sunday- Went to church. Talked some more to my mommy. She's an amazing woman. She made me feel better about the decision. She's good at that. Talked to the ex (wow that's weird to say) He wanted to talk but I wasn't ready so I put it off til Tuesday. Then he put it off til Sunday. But the I ran into him on Wednesday, so we talked a little but we're going to talk some more on Sunday.

Monday-Friday...Basic School week. Two tests. Blah. I got A's on both of them
It was hard. There hasn't been a day I haven't cried yet. The worst part is just all the plans for the future that I have to give up. Like I miss him, but we're still friends. We're still in each others lives ( or will be. it's kinda hard RIGHT NOW) but we made plans and I have to give those up. The house and life together. The kids we had names for. Things we said we'd do when we got old. Just all the things we planned to do together. And I know I can still do them. But part of it was doing them together. And now, that won't happen.

Home for the weekend. I have to work tomorrow.... Suck...oh well, gotta make that money..

Hope everyones week was less..well painful than mine.

Are you friends with any ex-boyfriends? What's the best way to "get over" them?

Today :(

2010-02-26T20:17:00.001-08:00

Today my boyfriend and I broke up. We were together for a year and 4 months. I love him so much.

It was a mutual thing, but that doesn't make it not hurt

my heart feels like it's been stomped on.

I can't stop crying.

Did I mention he was my first boyfriend? Ever?

So sad. No more words.

Prayers are appreciated

Last Weekend...

2010-02-26T20:15:00.000-08:00

I know I promised more pics from last weekend. Here they be

yummy stir fry.There's always good food at home!

Don't judge, I went out looking like this.....I was relaxed. and I had to go get this....

So I could make these!-

NOM NOM!

mmm finished product... I love me some chocolate chip cookies!

Do not enter this giveaway :)

2010-02-23T20:11:00.000-08:00

HUGETASTIC giveaway from priorfatgirl & exercisetv. 4 different prizes! But don't go check out here because I'd really like to win..

and I promise that I'll tell you all about my weekend later. I'm really tired and don't have the energy to blog a good blog right now. as you can probably tell from my blabber..

OK happy Tuesday night!

So long Monday

2010-02-23T08:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the longest day. I got up at 8, studied and went to class, and lab and then had a test til 8. And then I finally got to the gym. ran 6 miles and had dinner (of cereal and popcorn, yes dinner of champs!) at 10:30. Ah! Well at least that was my hard day for the week. I only have regular classes and a test on Friday. and a meeting today. and Thursday. Dang it. ha...

Well I'm going to get ready for class. I have some pictures from this weekend that I'll put up later! Look forward to them!

Also Tricia over at http://fightfatphobia.blogspot.com/ is having a a giveaway.But you don't have to click the link. Because I want it! ha

Weekend..I live for the Weekend...

2010-02-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

Thank the lord for weekend. I love it.

I came home for the weekend. I have to work later today. 4-12. boo. Oh well, hopefully it won't be too bad.

I came home to a lovely surprise last night. My parents had my Valentine's present waiting for me! Yay for surprises!
it looked like this...

Oh yay! I couldn't wait to open it! inside was this gorgeous thing...

oh it's so lovely :)

Now for the morning I'm going to enjoy this

mmmm....i love coffee

and then some of this...

and this...

my parents DVR some of the shows that I like and I get to catch up on them on the weekend I come home. I take a nice lazy Saturday morning, and watch some good tv, because I'm usually studying or busy during the week, so now is the only time I can do it. I love my parents. My sister has a winter guard competition this morning/afternoon, so I have the house all to myself ahhhh..it's lovely.

I ran 8 miles yesterday, so I'm taking today off. I ran 6.65 Monday, ellipticalled for 1.5 hours Tuesday, Ran/walked 5.5 Miles Wednesday, ellipticalled 1.5 hours Thursday and then 8 miles yesterday. I think I can take the say off ;) Oh plus weights Tues/Thurs.

Plus I have an 8 hour shift where I'll be on my feet all day, so it's not like I'll be inactive all day.

So here' is my bright shining face this morning...happy for presents, coffee and tv, and a lazy Saturday morning.. well almost afternoon now ;)

I don't have any makeup on and I don't care! However if those scared you sorry :)

Hope you have a lovely weekend! What are you doing today?

Well....At least that's over!

2010-02-18T12:09:00.000-08:00

Just took my second test for the week. Prescription Products. Yes again. I have a test over 50+ drugs every other week in that class. I have ever mentioned that I absolutely, positively LOATH it?!

Cause I do.

And since I was studying so much Tuesday, Wednesday, and this morning, (and perhaps because occasionally ;) , I tend to procrastinate studying for prescription products. It is not my fault I find more enjoyable things to do. Like watch tv. or read blogs. or poke myself in the eye. yes it is that bad) my body is running on caffeine today. 3 cups of coffee, and one diet mountain dew.

that's (108 mg x 3 cups) + 92mg =415 mg of caffeine today my friends. I'm fairly sure the palpitations will commence shortly.

In other news, my birthday is in less than 2 weeks. People I love (ie parents, boyfriend, friends) have been asking me what I want. The truth is, I always feel so selfish when they ask! I mean yes there are things I WANT ( a new car, a million dollars, my own apt, a trip to Europe,other spectacular, WAAAAYYY to expensive things) but I don't NEED anything. So I always feel real selfish. Do any of you feel this way?

Also, I decided one good present might be a heart rate monitor. Anybody have any suggestions for good ones? I'm looking for one that's less than $60, and count's calories. I'm thinking a basic one might be good because I have a tendency to want really cool things, but then get bored with them/forget to use them/don't put the time into LEARNING how to use them, so I don't want anyone to blow a lot of money on it until I KNOW I'll use it. Any suggestions would be welcome :)

On another positive note, I've been much better and relaxed around food. In the past, I've had trouble eating. I can't really describe my mindset, but it was as if I felt "guilty" if I ate before I worked out for the day, or things like that. I've been alot better this week about eating because I know I need to fuel my body. Still trying to get healthier foods (which granted, can be slightly more challenging in a dorm room, with no access to a stove etc) because I KNOW I'll feel better with them fueling me! Anyone else have this problem with eating?I know it still gets me sometimes!

Ok, well I'm off to clean my room before I head to bible study tonight and home tomorrow! Hope you have a wonderful Thursday! May God Bless you and keep you! He will. He's good at that :)

UPDATE: Made an 88 on the test. Gosh I loath falling JUST BELOW that "A" line. Literally, that was ONE question....grrrrr

Happy Monday

2010-02-15T14:55:00.000-08:00

Happy day after Valentines day. Hope it was good for you whether you have a significant other or not. I hope you go to spend it with people you love!

Boyfriend got me these

:) they made me smile. Then he took me to see Valentine's Day. And I ate some movie theater popcorn. I know that stuff is not good for you, BUT IT IS SOOOO good. I only ate a little tho yay for me :)

Then we drove back to school and he went to work and I did my homework. I know we are SO romantic ;)

Today consisted of enrolling in school next semester. 19 hours. WAHOO. It should be "fun" lol

But I've done well on all my tests thus far. All A's. Thanks for the encouragement :)

I had the stomach flu last week. It was SUPER not fun. But I'm finally better, so I think I'm gonna go run 4 or five miles in a bit. Tonight I will be studying for my test on Thursday. Oh the life of a pharmacy school student. And maybe watching The Buried Life and My Life as Liz. Usually I don't like MTV shows, but these entertain me! Plus I mean I have to break up the studying SOMEHOW!

I hope that you all have a good Monday. Just a reminder-God loves you! He loves you extravagantly

ps- There's a popchip giveaways at http://www.embracingbalance.com/2010/02/good-day-for-giveaway.html. But don't go enter. Cause I want them ;)

Giveaway

2010-02-13T10:52:00.000-08:00

do not go here http://www.byebyefatpants.com/ and register to win those mittens because I want them!

Sorry about being MIA

2010-02-06T09:32:00.001-08:00

Sorry I've been MIA for awhile... School has been crazy busy. I had two tests this week, plus there was a huge snow storm last weekend (Thurs-Monday) that kept me inside and stir crazy! and of course instead of being productive, I decided to give myself a break and relax... which actually just ended up being harder for me. I don't know how to relax. I usually keep going until I can't go anymore. I'm trying to learn to NOT do this anymore. But it's hard for "perfectionist me"

Anyway, moving onward....I exercised good this week! It goes as follows

Monday- 6 miles- ran 4-5 walked the other

Tuesday- Elliptical for 1:15, did weights

Wednesday- walked uphill for 5 miles. While studying my prescription cards. ga I hate those

Thursday-Elliptical for 1:15, more weights

Friday- ran 8.5 miles, also I was RAVENOUS yesterday. seriously, I had to try to not eat everything in sight!

So today, I'm giving myself the day off. Even though I weighed myself and I'm at 161. That's ok. I've been healthy. I've been eating well. I've been exercising lots. I'm fairly sure it's muscle weight in my legs. That tends to happen when it's 20+ miles in a week.

Also , I know that when I get stressed, my body produces more cortisol. Which makes me retain weight. And let me tell you, i have been stressed lately.

So here's my desicion for today. I'm a strong healthy girl. I'm not defined by the number on the scale. Gaining a pound or two does not make me less of a person. I will love me :)

well I'm off to get ready for work. I'm working 4-12 today. I loath that shift. oh well, gotta make the money!

Hope you all have a fab weekend!

2010-02-02T21:33:00.000-08:00

Today and tomorrow are filled with studying. I will do a "good" post after my test Thursday :(

on another note, pray for my friend carrie. She has been an agnostic, and tonight, she's thinking about accepting Christ!!!!!!!!!!! please just pray that she's receptive to the spirit!

Love you all for reading this! I'm sorry it's such a horrid post! I promise I'll do better in the future!

snow/ice day

2010-01-29T19:32:00.000-08:00

So today school was closed. I slept for 11 hours and it was wonderful.

I then studied for pathophys II, watched some tv with my boy and we had our normal popcorn snack (a bag of 97% fat free kettle corn for me. YUM)

Then went on a SNOW ADVENTURE with some girls from the dorm. We walked to Family dollar to get some marshmallows for our hot drinks. Alas, they were closed because of all the story. Sad Day. Then we trekked to Braum's to see if they had marshmallows. They did either. I got some strawberries and whipped cream instead. And then had 4 strawberries when I returned. They were good, well at least for the middle of winter. I love fruit. I can't wait til summer when fruit is so delish.

I had trouble eating today. I just feel "guilty" for eating whenever I have like no activity for the day. I did talk an hour walk with the girls and did some moderate jumping rope for ~15 mins this morning. So I mean I did move some, just not my normal at least 90 mins in the gym, running or ellipticaling for at least 800 calories. I know I need to stop focusing on THE NUMBER, but it's so hard when that's all everyone can think of.

examples-

"you look good, have you lost weight?" No actually, I've gained 3 pounds. Thanks for reminding me.

BMI- apparently I'm "overweight" thank you for informing me. Regardless of the fact that I workout at LEAST 5 days a week. And NEVER eat over 1200 calories a day. usually right around there, but I don't REMEMBER the last day i ate like 2,000 calories. How, ooh BMI calculator do you suggest I lose weight? I'd like to hear your suggestions...

Not to mention how every other add or pop is this "lose 20 pounds now- no dieting" or try hydroxycut. Way to make me feel inferior.

No I don't have washboard abs. No I don't wear a size 2. but I can run 10- 12 miles in one setting. I can lift heavy things. And I like to think I'm a loving caring person.

HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF ADDS. HOW DARE YOU.

you should not make me feel like I am "less" of a person because I wear and 8 instead of the 6 I used to when I was anorexic/bulimic and worked out for 2+ hours everyday. I was walking death. At least I'm not about to keel over now. I can stand up without feeling light headed.

I'll write a whole post about my past later, but short version would be I weighed 276 as a Jr in high school. I got down 180ish before I went to college (yes 100 lbs in a year) through a good diet (in the beginning) and through throwing up and not eating towards the end.

My eating disorder got really bad in college and I got down to 120 at the end of my freshman year of college. (if you're keep track, that's 150 pounds in 2 years, really almost a year and a half)

Anyways after counseling that summer, I went back to school, gained some weight, got "better" but it's still something that I struggle with EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

And so add to it, since I started off so big and lost it SO fast, I have some skin around my stomach. ONLY my stomach though. It's so frustrating. I feel like I'm a woman that's given birth to twins, not a 20 yr old college student.

And it's really been bothering me lately. just in case you couldn't tell.

But I'm going to try to have a healthy outlook on things. I am healthy, even if my skin doesn't say that.

Thanks if you read all this. You are a trooper.

Have a lovely Friday night.

blah

2010-01-28T21:10:00.000-08:00

blah... today i had to get up early to sign up for an enrollment spot

blah...today my boyfriend and I had a two hour fight...I'm pretty sure we broke up like twice.

blah...it's icy outside...causing everything to shut down

blah...including the gym... I only burned 700 calories today...

blah..with all this stress, I didn't eat ALL DAY. Until 5 when I got back to my dorm. Then I ate a salad and some chocolate cheerios. I had trouble eating. I just didn't want to... :(

I'm exhausted. I feel like I did nothing productive today. I need to study, I have two texts next week, but I just have no desire to anymore. I'm burned out. I don't wanna do it anymore ( at least right now)

positive- No school tomorrow because of the snow/ice. Score

-this means I can study.. yes. although the gym will be closed. Suck. And no workout dvds. I've burned 900, 950, 1000, and 700 calories this week. And did weights. I hope I'm ok. I hate that my body keeps gaining weight. I don't know why. I eat more I eat less. I workout more, I workout less. Nothing works.

As you see, it's been a blah day. Tomorrow will be better. It will be.

Hunger.. I know what that is.

2010-01-25T15:15:00.000-08:00

Today, I learned what hungry is. I had class from 10-12:20 and then grabbed a quick lunch of oatmeal with peanut butter (which was exactly what I had for breakfast. I'm not so exciting, I know) and then went to lab until from 12:45-4:40. It was a long day. One good thing that came out of it is that I was reminded what being truly hungry felt like. Considering I'd only had 2 bowls of oatmeal, each with a Tbsp of peanut butter and 2 cups of coffee until 4:45, I was pretty hungry by the time I got back to my room! So I had a few pretzels and some kashi go lean. I figured a few carbs and protein would be good, since I'm about to go run.

I've been slacking off on training for the marathon lately. I just didn't want to run on Friday, so I just ellipticalled instead. Then on Saturday, I was going to go to the gym and run, but opted for and outside run instead. I ran about 3ish miles in my neighborhood. It was nice.

but I will stop making excuses! If I want to complete the half-marathon, I need to train. So train I will! when I finish this post of course!

Do you ever just get in that mood? That I don't want to work out or do anything mood? Any suggestions on how to overcome that? I'm usually a pretty good self "pusher" if you will, but lately I just want to sleep and eat. no studying. no working. no working out. just sleep. eat. maybe read and watch tv. I'm convinced it comes from years of pushing my self and being a perfectionist. I've reached my burn out point. So if any of you have any suggestions on how to pull myself up, please they are more than welcome!

Off to run! Have a good Monday evening!

What does it all mean?

2010-01-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

So I weighed myself this morning. 160 lbs. Up from 157. That makes me sad. Let dig into this a little deeper shall we?

1- Why must i define how I feel about my body in a number? 160 or 150, I'm still me. I still am loving and caring towards my friends. I'm still a pharmacy student. I'm still intelligent. PEOPLE STILL LOVE ME.

2- I'm young. Do I really need to be worrying about my weight ALREADY in my life? ( as long as it is in the healthy range)

3- three pounds. that is not the much. it's probably water weight. I should not let it make me feel bad about myself

4-I will explain my backstory later. It will probably help to understand me better. But alas, I have to go to workout and then work from 4-midnight. Boo.

Hope you have a healthy happy fun saturday!

Aren't Fridays supposed to be relaxing?

2010-01-22T11:25:00.000-08:00

So you know how everyone says Fridays are supposed to be awesome wahoo, beginning of the weekend, etc? I don't believe all the hype.

1. I have lab on Friday afternoons for Pharm Care. They last til 4 or so. Class on a Friday Afternoon is jsut no bueno

2. I get a call from work. The person who was supposed to work the 4-midnight shift has called in. Can I please cover it? Did I mention I work from 4-midnight tomorrow night as well?

3. To get to work, I must rush out of class, pack my stuff up and leave. But I'm still going to go workout before. I'm training for the Memorial Half-Marathon (April25th) but I really REALLY do not want to run today. I tossed and turned in bed last night and I know it won't be a good run. I ran 8 miles last Friday, so maybe I'll just elliptical and run like 3 today? I'm not sure yet.

Also for me, Friday just begins me having to go to work. poo.

Ok now here's how these are all positive things

1. I'm in pharmacy school. I will have a great career. I just have to get through it. Also I'm privileged to even get this far. And to be given this opportunity

2. Extra Money- I NEED a new car ( or will by the end of the semester. 92' Lexus with 211000+ miles is not going to last that much longer....) I will get there I hour of work at a time.

3. I'm in good healthy condition. I can run. Or maybe I'll take the day off. I've done 4 days this week, burning 800+ calories each time. One day off will not hurt me. It could be beneficial

Also on a positive note, I ate both breakfast and lunch today. I had oatmeal with peanut butter for both. hey I know not much variety, but I'm in my dorm room. Options tend to be kinda limited. Each meal consisted of 1/4 or 1/2 cup of oatmeal ( breakfast, lunch) 2 tbsp of sugar free syrup, and 1 Tbsp of natural peanut butter. I might have some milk too, that may round it out a bit more :)

Well I'm off to my busy Friday and weekend of work. Hope your weekend is more relaxing than mine!

PS- question. On average, how many calories do you eat each day? How many to you burn through exercise? I'm trying to get a good balance so I'm just wondering what others who are succeeding are doing! ( I eat about 1000-1200 calories a day and burn at least 800. I know these numbers seem low/high, but I can't seem to keep weight off if I eat more or burn less. Frustrating!)

I HAVE A FOLLOWER!

2010-01-21T15:07:00.000-08:00

Also I just checked and I have a follower! Syl! wahoo this excites me!

Thanks for following little old me! Hope you enjoy! I'm just getting into this, so hopefully I'll get better!

My brain just hurts....

2010-01-21T11:50:00.000-08:00

So just took a ridiculous hard Prescription Products test. basically, you have to know all about different prescriptions, drug interactions, precautions, who should (or shouldn't) take the drug, adverse side effects ( ie. 20% experience bitter taste in their mouth when taking Astelin) and patient consultation.

and it was hard.

I'm sure I did ok, but newflash I'm a perfectionist. So "ok" tends to not be "good enough"

On a positive note, I ate a good breakfast and a good lunch! I tend to choose one for the other, so eating both was an accomplishment.

I had southwestern egg beaters with one piece of whole wheat toast with 1 tsp. of peanut butter for breakfast, while I studied for my test with my good friend (and future roommate) Lucy. Let me tell you something. 8 AM, not such a good time for Rx Products. Actually I don't think there's ever a good time for it...but I digress..

Then for lunch with my boy to the caf. Had a salad consisting of 2 cups of romaine lettuce, a half a cup of fresh broccoli, a few croutons and about a Tbsp of Italian dressing. On the side i had about a half a cup of cottage cheese.

If you're reading this, what do you think about my calories? Too little? just enough? I think Today was pretty good. It's 5 and I've eaten about 500 calories. That's not TOO bad...

Here's the deal. I have a lot of trouble eating "normally" I'm so jealous of you people that just eat when you're hungry. And eat whatever you want. That is a FOREIGN concept to me. Maybe you could provide me with some insight on how you do this?! Please and thank you!

Well off to work and bible study. And then sleep. I be a tired girl.

Love and kisses

A New Semester...A new Attiftude?

2010-01-19T12:02:00.000-08:00

So far this semester seems to not be as stressful as last semester. Maybe it's because I've learned how to deal. Maybe it will turn into much harder. Maybe in a few weeks I will want to eat my words. But right now, I'm doing ok....

So didn't sleep well last night. That tends to make the whole day more difficult. It was just so hot in my dorm and I tossed and turned until 3:30AM ish...and then got up at 8 to go run 4 miles. Maybe not the best idea. It was a difficult run. I didn't want to do it. Probably because my body was running on so little sleep. But got through it, felt a little better. Went back and got cleaned up, did my devo, had some coffee. Now enter....CLASS..dun dun dun...it was biopharmaceutics, which is less than enjoyable. Pharmaceutics + Biochem= a hellish class... ugh

Finally got some food in me! some oatmeal with sugar free syrup and peanut butter...SOOOoooOOOoOOO good.. (yes it's that good.Try it. now.)

Then Prescription products. We have a test in the Thursday. And I'm SO not ready. gosh.

Well off to study and do research for the independant study project I'm doing.

If you are reading this leave me a comment. Let me know about your day! How does not sleeping effect your day?

Busy Busy Week...

2009-11-08T09:26:00.000-08:00

So this week I have a pharmaceutics test Monday night, a Blood pressure test Tuesday afternoon, and a Biochem test Wednesday night. I mention that if I don't pass my blood pressure test, I have to take it again next semester... AND PASS WITH A 90?!

All of this makes for a super stressed Meghan. Also, when I get stressed, I tend to let me eating go to crap. I just don't care. I'll eat just so my brain will keep working. I know it's not the best, but I feel like I have to do it. Right now, doing well in school is most important. That's not to say I don't want to be healthy, but if I put on a few pounds in pharmacy school, I shouldn't be so obsessed with it. I mean I don't have access to stellar food ( fried food in the grill and everything is fried in the caf. bleh) and I do work out ALOT but that doesn't seem to help. frustration is setting in. It make me want to give up... GRRRRR

Also, because I'm so stressed, I can't sleep well. like i went to bed at 3 am this morning ( after bf left) and I woke up at like 10 AM. considering this is one of two days of the week I can actually sleep in, that's frustrating. Oh well I guess it gave me some "me" *time this morning, which I'm very grateful for. Promise. Even if I don't sound like it ;)

Please pray for calmness and understanding this week. That I study well, give myself breaks when I need them and that I don't put my body under too much stress (excessive workouts) and that I give it enough food. ( I know that sounds elementary, but I really do have trouble doing it...)

How does school ( or the like stressor) make you feel about your weight? does it make you gain?

Homeade Chocolate Chip Cookies

2009-11-05T14:10:00.001-08:00

I am exhausted. all I want to do is eat my weight in homeade chocolate chip cookies they are oh so delicious...but that will not help. I know this. But i still think it would make me (very temporarily) happy.

I so wish I could be one of those people who could just intuitively eat. and not worry about weight gain or loss. I wish I could be that in tune with my body. But I'm not. I work it to the breaking point. I don't know when to stop. I do give it the right food. I don't always give it enough food. I'm rough on it. I'm sorry body. My thinking just has my actions all askew.

Ok well I'll try to write more later ( if anyone even reads this and cares)

I'm off to finish my workout, then go study for my pathophys test, which is tomorrow at 7:30 in the morning (which by the way, is a god-awful time for a test)

if you are reading this, have a great day!

Leave a comment, I'd love to know is someone is actually reading this ;)

Milk is Magical

2009-10-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

Do anyone else sometimes feel more inclined to eat when they are sick? Just the fact that I know my body is trying to fight off some invading organism makes me want to eat enough to that I'll have the strength to do just that..yes I am random. I know this

Also I have come to a discovery. Actually a re-discovery... I love milk. and milk products in general...I love milk on my cereal, which I can just not seem to get enough of these days...love love love cereal. and now i remember that i love milk. It's so silly, in the days when i was trying to cut calories out, I saw milk as a beverage with calories. I totally forgot how delicious ( and really very nutritious) it is! mmm so good.. You should go have a nice ice cold glass of it..unless you're lactose intolerant. then you should take some lactaid before you drink it :)

Well I think I'm going to hit the hay. I hope that you all had a fabulous weekend ( and were not sick for the majority of it, like I)

Wishing you a wonderful new week ahead!

I have discoverd blogging...

2009-10-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

So this weekend, I was sick. Gross stomach thing. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the stomach for 9 hours....but I'll move on.

This allowed me to sit in bed for all of last night and alot of today. Except when I got up and cleaned my room for 2 hours and did laundry. In doing this, I discovered alot of blogs that I liked reading. Some were about running. Some were about eating. Alot were about both. I found blogs written by lovely ladies that seems to deal with the same things I do. They were refreshing to read.

So thank you ladies, for sharing. I'll keep reading. I hope you read mine :) I promise to be more consistent.

So since I was out of commission, I didn't go work out today. Yesterday, however before this bug hit me, I ran over 6 miles. So yesterday wasn't a total bust.

Since my stomach has been acting funny, I've just had a little bit of cereal, some special k crackers ( i love these things!) and a string cheese stick. Not very good or nutritious. Probably not enough calories. But I don't want to upset my stomach :(

A couple of things I learned in the bloggin world...

-there are A LOT of people that have a weird or strained relationships with food. It is good to know I'm not the only one.

-There are lots of people who can't seem to maintain. hey I'm right there with ya.

-There are lots of people that have the same thoughts that I do. So I don't have to feel like I'm in it all alone.

-We are usually our worst critics.

I have a challenge. For myself, for anyone who's reading this ( I'm not so sure they exist yet)

1.Love my body. It's strong and it gets me through life. I need to embrace it

2.Just because I'm not perfect, does not mean I'm not worth something. I'm priceless. I just need to believe that.

Why yes I AM feeling fat today, thanks for asking..

2009-10-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

Question-

So I'm in pharmacy school. I pay them enough money. Then i have to do all these little things ( CPR certification, Blood pressure certification, drug test, background check, etc) Which wouldn't be a huge deal, but each one costs, oh about $50. I'm a college student. I don't just HAVE $50 hanging around.Come on college of pharmacy, use your brain!

and the CPR class was on a Friday night...and was scheduled to last FOUR hours...that's not ok.

(I guess that wasn't a question, so much as a rant)

Anyways, so do you ever just feel fat? I was reading on this blog of another girl that I know. She's trying to lose weight (and doing a good job, if I do say so) but she was commenting on how today she just feels fat. I went to discuss this with another friend, and I came to the conclusion as women, we just DO sometimes. I don't know if guys do to, or if this feeling just helps contribute to them feeling like big manly men.

But with us women, it can REALLY affect our day. Think about it. I get up to go to my 8 oclock class. I'm already tired, and then I go to put my pants on and they feel a little tighter. I think "great" NOT. Then while in class, they seem to really bite into me when I sit. Not fun. Then this influences how I think about and percieve myself all day. Gosh I hate hate HATE fat days. I wish i could just blow them up! Goodness...

Ok my boyfriend is taking me out for our first date in... well in awhile..our first real date anyways :) So I'm gonna go get pretty....

I kinda hope someone is reading this.... ha

2009-09-27T21:25:00.001-07:00

As I sit in my new chair, donated to my room by my wonderful boyfriend, I wonder to myself, Why do i like to stay up so late? I'm always so tired and have so much to do. But it seems like night is the only time I can have only to myself. Like I have to stay up just so I have time to unwind. Its crazy

I need to find another outlet. One that doesn't tire me out so much!

Because I have Time to do this?!

2009-09-16T12:03:00.000-07:00

Does anyone feel like they always waste more time whenever they have more to do?

Currently, I have a full "to-do" list. But am I staying on schedule? Oh no. Cause if I were, I would be on my way to work out. And, in doing this I inadvertently add MORE stress to my plate...oh what we will do to ourselves!

Ok, new plan. I will finish my lab report and then go workout. And then tackle the growing list of things i must do before my biochem test Thursday ( which really is the peak that I much reach) after that it's all down hill :)

Must get through Friday. Must Find the will to study. Must.DO.It.

Ok off to be productive.

Also random, but hey whatever. That's what this is

My life is not what I necessarily want it to be, but that doesn't mean i can't be happy. To some degree, being happy is a state of mind. Yes it depends on your surroundings, but it also depends on what you chose to do. I need to choose to be happy.

And So It Begins...

2009-09-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

So I have noticed that lately, lots of people have been blogging.

I have decided to follow the trend. However, not just because it's a trend. But because I think it could be good for me to express myself in words. And hey I'm an open person, why not let everyone see them?

So it begins, the blog.

Random streaming of my thoughts.

Focus right now goes to being healthy. I want to be healthy. I work out like an hour and a half a day and lets face it, I usually only eat like about 1,000 calories in a day.I should be stick thin right? but this is not so. I actually gained weight last week because I indulged a little. It's so frustrating. I mean I eat less than the recommended amount and work out more, so this should point towards the goal that I want: a smaller figure. But alas, I have not found the right combination for that figure yet.

Here's the bigger issue. We (as women in general) focus so much on the outer appearance. I am healthy. I'm within the normal range. I work out. eat right mostly. But I'm not happy with my self because of unrealistic constraints that I put on myself ( I think society might help with this)

How do we focus on being healthy and happy instead of equating healthy with slender and happy with the ability to fit into a size 6? ( or 4 or whatever it may be for you)

I'm so mad that I let my other accomplishments go by the wayside because I become fixated on being that size or getting to that "goal" weight which may or may not be actually good for me.

Not anymore. Starting TODAY I'm going to be healthy (realistically) and not be so fixated on the world's definition of "healthy" and be more concerned with how my words and interactions affect other people for the better.

Ok I have to go.. leave any thoughts or comments you may have...gracias