snow/ice day

So today school was closed. I slept for 11 hours and it was wonderful.

I then studied for pathophys II, watched some tv with my boy and we had our normal popcorn snack (a bag of 97% fat free kettle corn for me. YUM)

Then went on a SNOW ADVENTURE with some girls from the dorm. We walked to Family dollar to get some marshmallows for our hot drinks. Alas, they were closed because of all the story. Sad Day. Then we trekked to Braum's to see if they had marshmallows. They did either. I got some strawberries and whipped cream instead. And then had 4 strawberries when I returned. They were good, well at least for the middle of winter. I love fruit. I can't wait til summer when fruit is so delish.

I had trouble eating today. I just feel "guilty" for eating whenever I have like no activity for the day. I did talk an hour walk with the girls and did some moderate jumping rope for ~15 mins this morning. So I mean I did move some, just not my normal at least 90 mins in the gym, running or ellipticaling for at least 800 calories. I know I need to stop focusing on THE NUMBER, but it's so hard when that's all everyone can think of.

examples-

"you look good, have you lost weight?" No actually, I've gained 3 pounds. Thanks for reminding me.

BMI- apparently I'm "overweight" thank you for informing me. Regardless of the fact that I workout at LEAST 5 days a week. And NEVER eat over 1200 calories a day. usually right around there, but I don't REMEMBER the last day i ate like 2,000 calories. How, ooh BMI calculator do you suggest I lose weight? I'd like to hear your suggestions...

Not to mention how every other add or pop is this "lose 20 pounds now- no dieting" or try hydroxycut. Way to make me feel inferior.

No I don't have washboard abs. No I don't wear a size 2. but I can run 10- 12 miles in one setting. I can lift heavy things. And I like to think I'm a loving caring person.

HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF ADDS. HOW DARE YOU.

you should not make me feel like I am "less" of a person because I wear and 8 instead of the 6 I used to when I was anorexic/bulimic and worked out for 2+ hours everyday. I was walking death. At least I'm not about to keel over now. I can stand up without feeling light headed.

I'll write a whole post about my past later, but short version would be I weighed 276 as a Jr in high school. I got down 180ish before I went to college (yes 100 lbs in a year) through a good diet (in the beginning) and through throwing up and not eating towards the end.

My eating disorder got really bad in college and I got down to 120 at the end of my freshman year of college. (if you're keep track, that's 150 pounds in 2 years, really almost a year and a half)

Anyways after counseling that summer, I went back to school, gained some weight, got "better" but it's still something that I struggle with EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

And so add to it, since I started off so big and lost it SO fast, I have some skin around my stomach. ONLY my stomach though. It's so frustrating. I feel like I'm a woman that's given birth to twins, not a 20 yr old college student.

And it's really been bothering me lately. just in case you couldn't tell.

But I'm going to try to have a healthy outlook on things. I am healthy, even if my skin doesn't say that.

Thanks if you read all this. You are a trooper.

Have a lovely Friday night.

blah

blah... today i had to get up early to sign up for an enrollment spot

blah...today my boyfriend and I had a two hour fight...I'm pretty sure we broke up like twice.

blah...it's icy outside...causing everything to shut down

blah...including the gym... I only burned 700 calories today...

blah..with all this stress, I didn't eat ALL DAY. Until 5 when I got back to my dorm. Then I ate a salad and some chocolate cheerios. I had trouble eating. I just didn't want to... :(

I'm exhausted. I feel like I did nothing productive today. I need to study, I have two texts next week, but I just have no desire to anymore. I'm burned out. I don't wanna do it anymore ( at least right now)

positive- No school tomorrow because of the snow/ice. Score

-this means I can study.. yes. although the gym will be closed. Suck. And no workout dvds. I've burned 900, 950, 1000, and 700 calories this week. And did weights. I hope I'm ok. I hate that my body keeps gaining weight. I don't know why. I eat more I eat less. I workout more, I workout less. Nothing works.

As you see, it's been a blah day. Tomorrow will be better. It will be.

Hunger.. I know what that is.

Today, I learned what hungry is. I had class from 10-12:20 and then grabbed a quick lunch of oatmeal with peanut butter (which was exactly what I had for breakfast. I'm not so exciting, I know) and then went to lab until from 12:45-4:40. It was a long day. One good thing that came out of it is that I was reminded what being truly hungry felt like. Considering I'd only had 2 bowls of oatmeal, each with a Tbsp of peanut butter and 2 cups of coffee until 4:45, I was pretty hungry by the time I got back to my room! So I had a few pretzels and some kashi go lean. I figured a few carbs and protein would be good, since I'm about to go run.

I've been slacking off on training for the marathon lately. I just didn't want to run on Friday, so I just ellipticalled instead. Then on Saturday, I was going to go to the gym and run, but opted for and outside run instead. I ran about 3ish miles in my neighborhood. It was nice.

but I will stop making excuses! If I want to complete the half-marathon, I need to train. So train I will! when I finish this post of course!

Do you ever just get in that mood? That I don't want to work out or do anything mood? Any suggestions on how to overcome that? I'm usually a pretty good self "pusher" if you will, but lately I just want to sleep and eat. no studying. no working. no working out. just sleep. eat. maybe read and watch tv. I'm convinced it comes from years of pushing my self and being a perfectionist. I've reached my burn out point. So if any of you have any suggestions on how to pull myself up, please they are more than welcome!

Off to run! Have a good Monday evening!

What does it all mean?

So I weighed myself this morning. 160 lbs. Up from 157. That makes me sad. Let dig into this a little deeper shall we?

1- Why must i define how I feel about my body in a number? 160 or 150, I'm still me. I still am loving and caring towards my friends. I'm still a pharmacy student. I'm still intelligent. PEOPLE STILL LOVE ME.

2- I'm young. Do I really need to be worrying about my weight ALREADY in my life? ( as long as it is in the healthy range)

3- three pounds. that is not the much. it's probably water weight. I should not let it make me feel bad about myself

4-I will explain my backstory later. It will probably help to understand me better. But alas, I have to go to workout and then work from 4-midnight. Boo.

Hope you have a healthy happy fun saturday!

Aren't Fridays supposed to be relaxing?

So you know how everyone says Fridays are supposed to be awesome wahoo, beginning of the weekend, etc? I don't believe all the hype.

1. I have lab on Friday afternoons for Pharm Care. They last til 4 or so. Class on a Friday Afternoon is jsut no bueno

2. I get a call from work. The person who was supposed to work the 4-midnight shift has called in. Can I please cover it? Did I mention I work from 4-midnight tomorrow night as well?

3. To get to work, I must rush out of class, pack my stuff up and leave. But I'm still going to go workout before. I'm training for the Memorial Half-Marathon (April25th) but I really REALLY do not want to run today. I tossed and turned in bed last night and I know it won't be a good run. I ran 8 miles last Friday, so maybe I'll just elliptical and run like 3 today? I'm not sure yet.

Also for me, Friday just begins me having to go to work. poo.

Ok now here's how these are all positive things

1. I'm in pharmacy school. I will have a great career. I just have to get through it. Also I'm privileged to even get this far. And to be given this opportunity

2. Extra Money- I NEED a new car ( or will by the end of the semester. 92' Lexus with 211000+ miles is not going to last that much longer....) I will get there I hour of work at a time.

3. I'm in good healthy condition. I can run. Or maybe I'll take the day off. I've done 4 days this week, burning 800+ calories each time. One day off will not hurt me. It could be beneficial

Also on a positive note, I ate both breakfast and lunch today. I had oatmeal with peanut butter for both. hey I know not much variety, but I'm in my dorm room. Options tend to be kinda limited. Each meal consisted of 1/4 or 1/2 cup of oatmeal ( breakfast, lunch) 2 tbsp of sugar free syrup, and 1 Tbsp of natural peanut butter. I might have some milk too, that may round it out a bit more :)

Well I'm off to my busy Friday and weekend of work. Hope your weekend is more relaxing than mine!

PS- question. On average, how many calories do you eat each day? How many to you burn through exercise? I'm trying to get a good balance so I'm just wondering what others who are succeeding are doing! ( I eat about 1000-1200 calories a day and burn at least 800. I know these numbers seem low/high, but I can't seem to keep weight off if I eat more or burn less. Frustrating!)

I HAVE A FOLLOWER!

Also I just checked and I have a follower! Syl! wahoo this excites me!

Thanks for following little old me! Hope you enjoy! I'm just getting into this, so hopefully I'll get better!

My brain just hurts....

So just took a ridiculous hard Prescription Products test. basically, you have to know all about different prescriptions, drug interactions, precautions, who should (or shouldn't) take the drug, adverse side effects ( ie. 20% experience bitter taste in their mouth when taking Astelin) and patient consultation.

and it was hard.

I'm sure I did ok, but newflash I'm a perfectionist. So "ok" tends to not be "good enough"

On a positive note, I ate a good breakfast and a good lunch! I tend to choose one for the other, so eating both was an accomplishment.

I had southwestern egg beaters with one piece of whole wheat toast with 1 tsp. of peanut butter for breakfast, while I studied for my test with my good friend (and future roommate) Lucy. Let me tell you something. 8 AM, not such a good time for Rx Products. Actually I don't think there's ever a good time for it...but I digress..

Then for lunch with my boy to the caf. Had a salad consisting of 2 cups of romaine lettuce, a half a cup of fresh broccoli, a few croutons and about a Tbsp of Italian dressing. On the side i had about a half a cup of cottage cheese.

If you're reading this, what do you think about my calories? Too little? just enough? I think Today was pretty good. It's 5 and I've eaten about 500 calories. That's not TOO bad...

Here's the deal. I have a lot of trouble eating "normally" I'm so jealous of you people that just eat when you're hungry. And eat whatever you want. That is a FOREIGN concept to me. Maybe you could provide me with some insight on how you do this?! Please and thank you!

Well off to work and bible study. And then sleep. I be a tired girl.

Love and kisses

A New Semester...A new Attiftude?

So far this semester seems to not be as stressful as last semester. Maybe it's because I've learned how to deal. Maybe it will turn into much harder. Maybe in a few weeks I will want to eat my words. But right now, I'm doing ok....

So didn't sleep well last night. That tends to make the whole day more difficult. It was just so hot in my dorm and I tossed and turned until 3:30AM ish...and then got up at 8 to go run 4 miles. Maybe not the best idea. It was a difficult run. I didn't want to do it. Probably because my body was running on so little sleep. But got through it, felt a little better. Went back and got cleaned up, did my devo, had some coffee. Now enter....CLASS..dun dun dun...it was biopharmaceutics, which is less than enjoyable. Pharmaceutics + Biochem= a hellish class... ugh

Finally got some food in me! some oatmeal with sugar free syrup and peanut butter...SOOOoooOOOoOOO good.. (yes it's that good.Try it. now.)

Then Prescription products. We have a test in the Thursday. And I'm SO not ready. gosh.

Well off to study and do research for the independant study project I'm doing.

If you are reading this leave me a comment. Let me know about your day! How does not sleeping effect your day?